Green Mater Gardener

It is a sad day for Montgomery Nutz….momma peep took down the garden. Gardening is my favorite outdoor activity next to mushroom hunting. I don’t know if I’ve told you about mushroom hunting yet but our yard is a mushroom haven, I’ll tell you about it some other time. It is kind of a long story and I want to talk about tomatoes.

Every year we plant a garden. I go outside with momma peep and watch where she puts all the seeds because I’ve been around long enough to know, where seeds go in the ground, food comes out….YUMMY FOOD! I get so excited when I see the seeds.

It started a few years ago. I wasn’t around the first year to see the seeds go in the ground but I showed up when the tomato plants were grown. Momma peep used to take us all outside in the back yard to play. We would go out for hours and run in the backyard, I always tried to run off and go where I couldn’t be seen. This first year I was hiding behind the garden next to the most awesome smell I had ever smelt; when I looked over, there they were; little round green and red berries a.k.a. cherry maters. I swiped one off the plant to try and that was it….I was HOOKED! Momma peep doesn’t know this but I stood there the entire time we were outside eating fallen maters. She had no idea about what was going on, that is until she found me.

One day when we were playing, for way shorter than our normal outdoor visit, she caught me. She was calling for me to come in and I hadn’t switched off my selective hearing yet so I didn’t listen. I guess she got really mad because before long, I saw her coming up behind me and I knew my buffet was about to end. So I did what any Nut would do……I grabbed as many green maters as I could in one bite. I ended up with a tomato branch in my mouth I stole so many. But I ate them all….QUICKLY! I wasn’t going to chance her taking any of them from me. They were mine. It was this day momma peep realized she had a gardening pup.

Over the years we have had many gardens and I am pleased to say, aside from the tomatoes; I like carrots, lettuce, and I even made off with a cantaloupe once. That was YUMMY, but not very often is there one small enough I can take off with, but when there is….BEWARE! I guess I will have to wait until next year now, which I hear will ROCK because the new house will have a bigger garden. OH I CAN HARDLY WAIT! I’m ALWAYS ready for a mouthful of GREEN MATERS….MMMMMMMM!!!!

My Friend Click

Hi everybody, I know you have heard of me. My name is Peekan RooRoo. Peenutz is my daddy. Shhhh please, I stole the computer from him, he is sleeping. I wanted to tell you about my friend in the floor. Every year he visits me and I can’t wait. I call him Click because right before he shows up I hear a click and I know he is coming. It is my signal to jump up and get ready to greet him. He only visits when it is cold outside and he doesn’t stay for long which is why I run so excitedly when I hear him coming. He brings me warmth, lots of it. I just LOVE HIM, but lately others have been trying to steal him from me. I’ve been having trouble finding room to greet him when he arrives and I don’t want him to stop coming. I’m worried.

The reason I’m worried is Kashoo and Maks are trying to greet him and Poppa Nutz is right, Maks is a tard. He alone could run off my friend. Maks thinks I am his and I feel like he is getting a little jealous of my friend time because now when he hears the click he runs over to my waiting spot and there isn’t room for me. I have to boot him out with my butt, which works, but only for a minute. He is like a boomerang and just as quickly as he goes he comes right back. By this time I’ve already claimed my spot so I don’t boot him out again. I let him wait with me in hopes that he will like my friend, but really I don’t care. I will visit no matter if Maks likes it or not. Click was my friend first, but I know I should share.

OOOOOHHHH, I GOT TO GO……I JUST HEARD CLICK. Here is a picture so you can see what I mean. We are sitting where Click arrives and when he does my ears blow with excitement and my whole body warms up. I gotta go…..HE IS HERE! Later peeps!

P.S. Please don’t tell Poppa Nut I was here. He doesn’t know it but he is a little like Maks…..STUPID, but we don’t tell him that. He will only know I was here if someone tells him so again….SSSHHHHH PLEASE! I’m sure I will steal the computer again one day. Until then…..Peekan RooRoo OUT!

Crazy Nutter Love

As you all know if your follow my thoughts…..and you SHOULD (I’m Peenutz for Heaven’s sake) I am surrounded by a bunch of Nutz; not edible but living. I give them a hard time and say mean things but deep down I wouldn’t want to live with any other bunch, they are mine….and Shooie’s of course. Couldn’t have had them without Shooie, maybe that’s where all the stupid ones came from because I know I am not responsible for their ignorance. OOOO shoot, there are those mean thoughts I sometimes let out and this isn’t supposed to be a mean post about them…..OOPS! Let me start again!

I LOVE THEM ALL…..there that should make up for those mean words! But I love one way more than any other…..Kashoo (that is bound to give RooRoo a complex; she thinks she is my favorite….NOPE). Kashoo is my lady!

The peeps plan to take us to Vegas when they renew their vows, and when we go, me and Shooie get to be in the wedding. They’re even going to dress us up! They keep saying they’re going to, “make it official” between me and Shooie, whatever that means. I think it will be fun. They have promised us cake and presents; but one thing I’m not real sure of, why we will we get different names. They said we would be known as Mr. and Mrs. P. Nutter (like I’ve said before, we have a million different names on our danglies….what’s one more I guess). All in all, it sounds like a giant party with my best buddy, I can handle that!

I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in crime than Kashoo. She makes me so happy and she is nice to me. It is my responsibility to take care of her, she is my lady, and that is why God gave me an extra appendage….to take care of my lady. I clean her ears when we are lying together. I lick inside and get all the nasties out and then massage the outsides with my teeth. Her ears are like bubble gum, the peeps gave me some when I was little and I loved the chewing. I had to replace the gum with Shooie’s ears because the peeps won’t let me have it anymore. They stopped letting me have gum when I started trying to take it out of their mouths while they were chewing. WHAT? It smelt YUMMY….and it WAS! I sure do miss it. At least I have Kashoo’s ears!

We spend all our time together. Kashoo and I have been inseparable since she was 8 weeks and I was 4 months. We sleep together. Walk together. We’re even each other’s kennel buddies. Since there are so many of us we have to have kennel buddies when we get put up. When it was just Kashoo and I we didn’t have to be kenneled, we were good, but then the mignons came along and started tearing up everything when the peeps left, so we all get punished now. I’m so glad I got Kashoo as a kennel buddy though, because I couldn’t handle being kenneled with any of these other tards. Shoot, there it is again….MEAN THOUGHTS! SORRY mignons! It’s just….I love Kashoo so much; I’ll even let her have my prized possession….KIBBLES!

Now like I said earlier, we didn’t used to be kenneled before the mignons came along, so getting Kashoo and I to adhere to these cruel practices took some coercing; and no better way to coerce Nutz than with food. Kibbles to be exact! We are rewarded with kibbles for walking into our crates. Kashoo and I always get our kibbles last because the mignons are so difficult to kennel it takes the peeps 5 minutes to get them all corralled, so of course, Kashoo and I have to wait patiently for our rewards.

Ordinarily I won’t let anyone around my food, in fact, I started eating in my kennel because I was having anger issues with all these tards about steeling MY food out of MY bowl while I was eating. This is a HUGE NO NO! Gnarles visits when this happens and I go all Barkley on their stupid behinds, until they drop my kibbles. I’ll admit, it got a little out of hand, hence why I eat in my kennel now…..and I LOVE IT! No one touches my food anymore….I’m protected from them with bars. But when Kashoo and I are in there, it is different. She isn’t a mignon. She is my lady and I always treat her that way. I make sure she gets what she needs. I’ll even give her my kibble. When the peeps give us our reward treats for walking in, I let her have hers’ first. I don’t even try to take it when it is offered to me. I just look at the kibble, then look at Kashoo, then lock eyes with my peep, and she gets it. Kashoo ALWAYS gets the first kibble. That’s how I show her love, because my love for Shooie started with that very first sniff, and we’ve been together ever since!

Binocular Hiding With Maks

As you know we all have a bunch of names, one of my most used ones besides Peenutz is Gnarles Barkly. The peeps call me this when I ‘m enforcing. It is my patrol alter ego who keeps the Nutz in line. But sometimes even Gnarles slacks.

A few months ago Maks was up to no good. Daddy peep has these big glasses, I think they call them binoculars. I ‘m not real sure what they are used for but apparently daddy really likes them, and so does Maks. Daddy kept them on a table next to the big bed where we sleep at night. For some reason Maks thought this was the spot for “Makker toys”, so he would take them off the table and onto the big bed to play with them (to be honest, it didn’t look like a lot of fun, I couldn’t figure out why he liked them so much, still can’t, but that isn’t the issue). He would do this 4 or 5 times a day and each time he got caught with them they would take away the binoculars and put them up, only to have Maks go right back over and snag them again. He would run through the house with them in his mouth playing keep away from the peeps. It was funny watching them run after him. He does do some really entertaining things sometimes even though he gets on my last nerve, but the peeps would always win, until one day they didn’t.

No one saw Maks take off with the binoculars this day but let me assure you they were GONE, nowhere to be found. Trust me I looked. Daddy searched everywhere, they even moved the furniture around and still no sign. They were planning on buying a new pair, it had been six months, but instead, Maks spontaneously made them reappear, of all places, right smack in the middle of the big bed on daddy’s side.

Now I have questioned him and questioned him about where he hid them and he won’t tell me anything. It bugs me not knowing where the secret hiding spot is in this house. I refuse to believe that idiot is smarter than me. It has now become my sole purpose to find it. What kind of protector am I if I allow Maks to outsmart me? Maks? He gets confused when you say his name. He doesn’t even know “sit”! OMG, OMG, OMG…..I’ve got to go search for his spot. Then I’ll be smarter than the peeps... Later!

Did Someone Say.... "We're Moving?"

There has been a lot of talk lately about us moving. We have conversed and we aren’t real sure how we feel about it. Kashoo and I are the only two who have ever lived anywhere else. We know how scary moving can be. Kashoo has already said if she has to go on another plane she isn’t going, and if she doesn’t go, neither can I. Though I don’t think a plane ride is in the plans, she over reacts sometimes, but we are worried.

Momma peep keeps telling us new rules to remember and she quizzes us nightly on them. I already know Peekan RooRoo’s rule. She has two. Her first rule is to ALWAYS get Maks. He gets lost easily and needs someone to watch out for him since he is so dumb and RooRoo is his best friend so lucky her, she gets stuck with him. Once she gets him, they are supposed to RUN! Run AWAY from the corn. Momma Peep is afraid of snakes so she keeps telling us to run to the house. We get confused sometimes when we run and start going in all the wrong directions. RooRoo is the most chicken so if she grabs Maks and goes to the house I think they are assuming we will follow…..NOT! I plan to attack everything I meet out there. We live in the city now and from what I have been told it is a lot like Grammie Montgomery’s house in the country. I love the country but I know there are things that want to come into my house and that just won’t happen on Peenutz Montgomery’s watch. I will kill all who aren’t permitted to enter. That is my rule….to not attack things, but little do the peeps know, I can’t promise that.

Maks rule is to follow RooRoo. OOOHHH how original of the peeps, though I know this will be hard for him. He follows everyone at the same time. I know you don’t think that is possible but you don’t know Maks. He is sneaky and fast. As soon as you realize that thing is biting your ankles he has already run off and bit 3 other’s ankles. Then it’s too late to retaliate. I think that is why he does it; maybe he isn’t that stupid after all. Nope, I’m sticking to he is DUMB!

Kashoo’s only rule is not to run. She has a hurt back and she loves to run and with all the extra room outside they don’t want her to hurt herself more. She won’t be able to stick to this one. I foresee a lot of yelling and kennel time in her future, but I don’t blame the peeps. When she first hurt her back they had to keep her in the cage for two months. It was torture for me. I didn’t have anyone to play with, but she does better now though she still isn’t right. She is smart, she will figure it out I’m sure.

The twins don’t really have rules. Like I said earlier they are followers so I think they are just being told to follow RooRoo. I think they will do well except for Ollie. She has this barking thing and she sometimes forgets to stop. That can cause some problems if everyone is running away from something and she stands there barking at it. The snake will eat her, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad….more food for me! Wait, scratch that…. I will get into even more trouble if the peeps even know I think something like that. I guess I will have to save her now; the guilt would be too bad. At least I will always know where she is, her mouth will surely tell me that.

I guess this moving thing could be fun now that I’ve talked it through. I will have lots more space to patrol which means the further I can get away from these tards. RooRoo gets stuck with the brunt of the idiots, and rules. So like I said, maybe it won’t be so bad. I’ll be sure to keep you posted. I can already tell I’ll have stories to share!

SECRET OPS MISSION: Pretending to Play

I have been having a feeling lately that the mignons are up to something. See here… I LOVE LOVE LOVE warm weather. I get up in the morning and sit outside on the porch to soak up the rays. I roll and root and scoot and then I plop over on my bed and enjoy my morning cube. The peeps bring me ice cubes every morning to eat while I am lounging. None of the others get this; hence, I am SPECIAL! But lately I have felt there have been secret shenanigans happening on the other side of the door. I keep hearing the pitter patters of the mignons' feet across the floor, barking like they are going after something really fast. I thought at first it was them chasing L.S. again. Something they never grow tired of, hours and hours they could spend. But I kept thinking I was smelling something good too, like food. You see the peeps have been taking Hazle away and force feeding her something, then they give her a cookie. I don’t get no stinkin’ cookie and I’m Mr. PEENUTZ…. the leader of these tards! I could just feel they were up to something.

So today when I was outside… SECRET OPS MISSION: Pretending to Play. I listened and smelt extra hard. I wasn’t going to let another day go by and miss out on COOKIES! The moment I heard their feet go buy I stood up on the door and demanded the peeps bring me some too.

Sometimes you have to let the peeps know you are smarter than you look. Secret canine mind control over the masses, play dumb and others feel sorry for you. That’s why there are so many stupid dogs. We know what’s going on. Another reason sometimes Maks and I don’t get along, he is really good at playing dumb. Sometimes even I get confused if he is playing it or just is. I land on "is" a lot of the time. But let’s not get me started on that, I could talk forever about him.

Back to the cookies, where was I? Oh yeah… I remember, I demanded they bring me cookies! Of course they did. They shot them out under the screen door at me. I didn’t want to come in. It is so much fun catching cookies. I took them back to my bed, ate them, and then continued to lounge in the sun. I guarantee you they won’t overlook me the next time they give out cookies. I’ve now got them trained better than that!

Hello, I'm Mr. Peenutz...

Okay, time to wake up. Come on wake up. WAKE UP! Why won’t she wake up? Why does she do this to me every day? I am so bored. I need her to wake up. What can I use? Wait… I’ll try kisses. She likes kisses. Here goes. I’m going for the nose. Nothing! I’ll try again, this time sloppier. OH MY GOD she moved. It’s working, it’s working. One more should do it, this time I’ll ram her in the face when I give her kisses. Here goes nothing. BOOM! SHE’S AWAKE…. SHE’S AWAKE, I did it! Wait don’t close your eyes. NO, don’t close your eyes, I need you. Oh good they’re open again! Now I have to mark her. The world needs to know she is mine, if only I smelled better. This will have to work for now. I will claim her fully later, for now I need to get her out of bed. I know what I’ll do, I’ll shake the bed. Come on guys, help me shake the bed. All we have to do is run and jump, I know that will get her up. Ready. Set. GO! Now JUMP! It worked, it worked she is moving. There go the covers; it will only be a moment now before she is standing. I better help. Here, more kisses. Let’s GO! YAY….. She’s up, she’s up! Everybody run to the door. Okay bark, we got her now. Here she comes. And…. we’re out! Fresh air, sunshine…. FREEDOM!

Whew, I love the beginning of the day. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I had to get outside. My name is Peenutz. I just turned 4 last week. We had lemon cupcakes to celebrate. I love cupcakes. I don’t get them very often.

I am one of six dachshunds; people refer to us as “The Nutz”. I don’t really get it, my name is Peenutz; but nobody listens to me around here anyway. I was an only dog for a while before they brought me my leading lady…. Kashoo. She is my world, but the others get on my nerves. I call them my mignons. I think they are stupid. One of them tries to fly, the other eats poop, another is scared of her reflection, and the last is just plain dumb. I can say this, they are our kids. But I will bite anyone who agrees, us wieners have to stick together.

I came here from a different place. I don’t remember it much other than having two siblings. They left much sooner than I. I haven’t seen them since, don’t think I would know them if I saw them now.

When I came here I was scared. I knew the girl who brought me here, I had seen her at a place called “The Vet” before, but I didn’t really spend time with her. She seemed nice. She would hug me and hold me and kiss me. That’s how I knew she liked kisses.

The place she took me was fun. There were stuffy floor monsters there to kill. They would scream until I removed their screamer. It was buried in white fluffy insides. That’s my job…. Killing floor monsters! I’m really good at it.

Like I said earlier, I was an only dog for a while before I met Kashoo. I didn’t ask for her, she just showed up. When I first met her I didn’t like her, in fact, I tried to bite her. She was half my size, her butt smelt funny, and she was stealing my peeps. But I started to feel sorry for her. She was really scared.

When we got home I wanted to learn more about her. So far she had been quiet. She acted nervous, licking a lot. She told me she had to ride a plane. I didn’t know what a plane was, she didn’t either really. She had overheard the word earlier that day. She told me the plane was scary, loud and bumpy. She didn’t want to ride one again and hearing her story, neither did I. We talked a while longer. She mostly listened, something she never does now and by the end of the night I caught myself cuddling with her. I figured this bitch would do. I was starting to like her. She didn’t want to kill my stuffy floor monsters which I was really concerned about, and my peeps paid just as much attention to me as her. I figured she could stay. Besides, the more time I spent with her the more I liked her. She was funky. In about a week we were best buddies. I won’t let anybody hurt my Kashoo.

About six months after Kashoo came to live with me I noticed her smell changed. Though I wasn’t a fan of how she smelt the first time I met her, I did get used to it. This new smell was completely different though. I couldn’t control myself. Something came over me and before I knew it I was doing something wrong, or at least that is how the peeps acted when they found us stuck together. I was so scared. They started yelling and I couldn’t run away. I was stuck to Kashoo. They eventually calmed down. And then as quickly as we got stuck, we broke apart. I was free again, so I ran. I ran and hid. I had no idea what just happened.

Before long Kashoo got big, she couldn’t jump or run or do anything. She was getting a bunch of attention from the peeps. And then all of a sudden she lived in a box. But what really confused me is she wasn’t alone. I would try to get close and look in to figure out what was going on but every time I did she would yell at me. I did manage to see 2 small furry floor monsters in there, and they moved. None of my other floor monsters moved. I became concerned.
A few days later I jumped in the box. I decided to steal her floor monsters; after all I was here first. I carried them both to the corner and then I sat there and watched them. They were cute, and NOT floor monsters like I thought. They didn’t scream when I picked them up and they tasted different. They tasted kind of like Kashoo. I thought they could be fun, I decided to let them live.

A few weeks later the peeps started removing these furry crawlers from the box and placing them on the floor. I had so much fun when they were on the floor. They couldn’t move real fast so I would sit there and fling them and laugh. They were the best toys ever, until one day one bit me on the nose. I sat there and looked at it a second before running to my peep for comfort. She would always hug and kiss me if I sat in her lap and gave her the look. I told her what was wrong. But I couldn’t understand what she said back. She isn’t a really good communicator. I don’t think she ever learned how to speak properly, but that’s okay. She made me feel better. Little did I know the furry monsters would be staying forever, the peeps named them HazleNut and Ollmand.

Hazy and Ollie are different. That’s what we call them by the way. It seems we all have ten different names besides the ones written on our danglies. I go by Peenutz, Mr. Peenutz, Knuckles, Gnarls Barkley, Monster and anything else the peeps utter in my direction that may indicate they want me. Hazy, a.k.a. Fats, Poof, Fluffy or my personal favorite…. Stupid is a follower. She follows everybody. I think it is because she is a twin and has never known the pleasures of being an only dog.

Ollie on the other hand is a loner. She is the one I referred to earlier as a “poop eater”. Her favorite friend in the house is the pussy, L.S., short for Little Shit. The puss was here before us. Like the rest of us Ollmand has many names. She goes by Wallaby, Ollie, or Blue because she has blue eyes. All of a sudden we were a family of four. I kind of liked it.

Before long I smelt the smell again and lost all control of myself. I was stuck to Kashoo, and the peeps were MAD. When Shoo started getting fat again I knew moving furry crawlers were coming soon. I couldn’t wait. When I got my first glimpse inside the box I couldn’t believe how many there were. I counted five. The peeps decided to keep one. They called her Peekan RooRoo. She was a lot like me except she’d get scared more often. She wouldn’t even look at herself in the mirror. I used to bark at my reflection, but then I figured out it was me standing in the mirror. She thinks another dog is staring at her through the glass…. so she submits. She told me this a while ago and I didn’t correct her. I just sit and laugh when she ducks her head. Even dogs need entertainment.

Our family of 5 worked well. We all got along, and then there was Maks. He came to us last. His real name is MakudaymiaNut but we can’t say that. Maks is the most different of us all. He thinks he is a superhero. He flies. I’ve tried to scare him into stopping but he doesn’t. We don’t really see eye to eye. There are days I wish Maks would just fly away, but no such luck for me. I do like him, but we butt heads. He thinks he is top dog. He doesn’t understand that is my job. I’m the leader of Montgomery Nutz! So here we are, 2 years since our last edition, and I’m finding myself needing an outlet. It’s hard living in a house full of nutz!