Saturday, August 27, 2011

SECRET OPS MISSION: Pretending to Play

I have been having a feeling lately that the mignons are up to something. See here… I LOVE LOVE LOVE warm weather. I get up in the morning and sit outside on the porch to soak up the rays. I roll and root and scoot and then I plop over on my bed and enjoy my morning cube. The peeps bring me ice cubes every morning to eat while I am lounging. None of the others get this; hence, I am SPECIAL! But lately I have felt there have been secret shenanigans happening on the other side of the door. I keep hearing the pitter patters of the mignons' feet across the floor, barking like they are going after something really fast. I thought at first it was them chasing L.S. again. Something they never grow tired of, hours and hours they could spend. But I kept thinking I was smelling something good too, like food. You see the peeps have been taking Hazle away and force feeding her something, then they give her a cookie. I don’t get no stinkin’ cookie and I’m Mr. PEENUTZ…. the leader of these tards! I could just feel they were up to something.

So today when I was outside… SECRET OPS MISSION: Pretending to Play. I listened and smelt extra hard. I wasn’t going to let another day go by and miss out on COOKIES! The moment I heard their feet go buy I stood up on the door and demanded the peeps bring me some too.

Sometimes you have to let the peeps know you are smarter than you look. Secret canine mind control over the masses, play dumb and others feel sorry for you. That’s why there are so many stupid dogs. We know what’s going on. Another reason sometimes Maks and I don’t get along, he is really good at playing dumb. Sometimes even I get confused if he is playing it or just is. I land on "is" a lot of the time. But let’s not get me started on that, I could talk forever about him.

Back to the cookies, where was I? Oh yeah… I remember, I demanded they bring me cookies! Of course they did. They shot them out under the screen door at me. I didn’t want to come in. It is so much fun catching cookies. I took them back to my bed, ate them, and then continued to lounge in the sun. I guarantee you they won’t overlook me the next time they give out cookies. I’ve now got them trained better than that!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Hello, I'm Mr. Peenutz...

Okay, time to wake up. Come on wake up. WAKE UP! Why won’t she wake up? Why does she do this to me every day? I am so bored. I need her to wake up. What can I use? Wait… I’ll try kisses. She likes kisses. Here goes. I’m going for the nose. Nothing! I’ll try again, this time sloppier. OH MY GOD she moved. It’s working, it’s working. One more should do it, this time I’ll ram her in the face when I give her kisses. Here goes nothing. BOOM! SHE’S AWAKE…. SHE’S AWAKE, I did it! Wait don’t close your eyes. NO, don’t close your eyes, I need you. Oh good they’re open again! Now I have to mark her. The world needs to know she is mine, if only I smelled better. This will have to work for now. I will claim her fully later, for now I need to get her out of bed. I know what I’ll do, I’ll shake the bed. Come on guys, help me shake the bed. All we have to do is run and jump, I know that will get her up. Ready. Set. GO! Now JUMP! It worked, it worked she is moving. There go the covers; it will only be a moment now before she is standing. I better help. Here, more kisses. Let’s GO! YAY….. She’s up, she’s up! Everybody run to the door. Okay bark, we got her now. Here she comes. And…. we’re out! Fresh air, sunshine…. FREEDOM!

Whew, I love the beginning of the day. I didn’t know how much more I could take. I had to get outside. My name is Peenutz. I just turned 4 last week. We had lemon cupcakes to celebrate. I love cupcakes. I don’t get them very often.

I am one of six dachshunds; people refer to us as “The Nutz”. I don’t really get it, my name is Peenutz; but nobody listens to me around here anyway. I was an only dog for a while before they brought me my leading lady…. Kashoo. She is my world, but the others get on my nerves. I call them my mignons. I think they are stupid. One of them tries to fly, the other eats poop, another is scared of her reflection, and the last is just plain dumb. I can say this, they are our kids. But I will bite anyone who agrees, us wieners have to stick together.

I came here from a different place. I don’t remember it much other than having two siblings. They left much sooner than I. I haven’t seen them since, don’t think I would know them if I saw them now.

When I came here I was scared. I knew the girl who brought me here, I had seen her at a place called “The Vet” before, but I didn’t really spend time with her. She seemed nice. She would hug me and hold me and kiss me. That’s how I knew she liked kisses.

The place she took me was fun. There were stuffy floor monsters there to kill. They would scream until I removed their screamer. It was buried in white fluffy insides. That’s my job…. Killing floor monsters! I’m really good at it.

Like I said earlier, I was an only dog for a while before I met Kashoo. I didn’t ask for her, she just showed up. When I first met her I didn’t like her, in fact, I tried to bite her. She was half my size, her butt smelt funny, and she was stealing my peeps. But I started to feel sorry for her. She was really scared.

When we got home I wanted to learn more about her. So far she had been quiet. She acted nervous, licking a lot. She told me she had to ride a plane. I didn’t know what a plane was, she didn’t either really. She had overheard the word earlier that day. She told me the plane was scary, loud and bumpy. She didn’t want to ride one again and hearing her story, neither did I. We talked a while longer. She mostly listened, something she never does now and by the end of the night I caught myself cuddling with her. I figured this bitch would do. I was starting to like her. She didn’t want to kill my stuffy floor monsters which I was really concerned about, and my peeps paid just as much attention to me as her. I figured she could stay. Besides, the more time I spent with her the more I liked her. She was funky. In about a week we were best buddies. I won’t let anybody hurt my Kashoo.

About six months after Kashoo came to live with me I noticed her smell changed. Though I wasn’t a fan of how she smelt the first time I met her, I did get used to it. This new smell was completely different though. I couldn’t control myself. Something came over me and before I knew it I was doing something wrong, or at least that is how the peeps acted when they found us stuck together. I was so scared. They started yelling and I couldn’t run away. I was stuck to Kashoo. They eventually calmed down. And then as quickly as we got stuck, we broke apart. I was free again, so I ran. I ran and hid. I had no idea what just happened.

Before long Kashoo got big, she couldn’t jump or run or do anything. She was getting a bunch of attention from the peeps. And then all of a sudden she lived in a box. But what really confused me is she wasn’t alone. I would try to get close and look in to figure out what was going on but every time I did she would yell at me. I did manage to see 2 small furry floor monsters in there, and they moved. None of my other floor monsters moved. I became concerned.
A few days later I jumped in the box. I decided to steal her floor monsters; after all I was here first. I carried them both to the corner and then I sat there and watched them. They were cute, and NOT floor monsters like I thought. They didn’t scream when I picked them up and they tasted different. They tasted kind of like Kashoo. I thought they could be fun, I decided to let them live.

A few weeks later the peeps started removing these furry crawlers from the box and placing them on the floor. I had so much fun when they were on the floor. They couldn’t move real fast so I would sit there and fling them and laugh. They were the best toys ever, until one day one bit me on the nose. I sat there and looked at it a second before running to my peep for comfort. She would always hug and kiss me if I sat in her lap and gave her the look. I told her what was wrong. But I couldn’t understand what she said back. She isn’t a really good communicator. I don’t think she ever learned how to speak properly, but that’s okay. She made me feel better. Little did I know the furry monsters would be staying forever, the peeps named them HazleNut and Ollmand.

Hazy and Ollie are different. That’s what we call them by the way. It seems we all have ten different names besides the ones written on our danglies. I go by Peenutz, Mr. Peenutz, Knuckles, Gnarls Barkley, Monster and anything else the peeps utter in my direction that may indicate they want me. Hazy, a.k.a. Fats, Poof, Fluffy or my personal favorite…. Stupid is a follower. She follows everybody. I think it is because she is a twin and has never known the pleasures of being an only dog.
Ollie on the other hand is a loner. She is the one I referred to earlier as a “poop eater”. Her favorite friend in the house is the pussy, L.S., short for Little Shit. The puss was here before us. Like the rest of us Ollmand has many names. She goes by Wallaby, Ollie, or Blue because she has blue eyes. All of a sudden we were a family of four. I kind of liked it.

Before long I smelt the smell again and lost all control of myself. I was stuck to Kashoo, and the peeps were MAD. When Shoo started getting fat again I knew moving furry crawlers were coming soon. I couldn’t wait. When I got my first glimpse inside the box I couldn’t believe how many there were. I counted five. The peeps decided to keep one. They called her Peekan RooRoo. She was a lot like me except she’d get scared more often. She wouldn’t even look at herself in the mirror. I used to bark at my reflection, but then I figured out it was me standing in the mirror. She thinks another dog is staring at her through the glass…. so she submits. She told me this a while ago and I didn’t correct her. I just sit and laugh when she ducks her head. Even dogs need entertainment.

Our family of 5 worked well. We all got along, and then there was Maks. He came to us last. His real name is MakudaymiaNut but we can’t say that. Maks is the most different of us all. He thinks he is a superhero. He flies. I’ve tried to scare him into stopping but he doesn’t. We don’t really see eye to eye. There are days I wish Maks would just fly away, but no such luck for me. I do like him, but we butt heads. He thinks he is top dog. He doesn’t understand that is my job. I’m the leader of Montgomery Nutz! So here we are, 2 years since our last edition, and I’m finding myself needing an outlet. It’s hard living in a house full of nutz!